he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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