I am spending my child support on dildos
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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