wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
