How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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