my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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