My liver just broke up with me...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I want to fling myself into the sun
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
