he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
