Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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