Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
