he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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