Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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