Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i can't believe i had my finger in that
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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