if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
you never un-have a 4some
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
