Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I want a musical about memes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
