Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
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Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
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Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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