How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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