2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Soap is not a condiment
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
