Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
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If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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