I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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