no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
