first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i believe in u and ur pee
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
