I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
