Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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