we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
