if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
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On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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