Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
