Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
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