I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
