This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
