grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
