Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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