The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
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No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
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You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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