How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
