you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
