can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
