shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
