this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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