U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
