maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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