Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
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Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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