Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
