I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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