Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize