Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
