I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
