I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.