So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
