thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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