turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i dont even know how to be here
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
