He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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