mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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