Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
