he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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