I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
